‘Emma, we
need to talk.’ He did not sound as angry as I thought he was! A wave of relief
moved across my body as I slowly approached him. Did he know? Could he have
guessed? I had no idea how to act or what to say. I didn’t want to offend him
or say anything that could possibly endanger the fragile connection we had established.
I was finding myself falling for this man and I didn’t even know how to behave
around him without triggering some unhealed wound from the past. I desperately
wanted him to see me as different from all the others. All those shallow people
who judged him prematurely, before they even got the chance to get to know the
person who was sitting in the wheelchair. Yes, he couldn’t use his legs but
from the moment I saw him for the first time at the lecture hall, it had never
occurred to me to think of him as disabled. The discomfort I felt when I was
around him wasn’t due to the fact he was paraplegic, but rather to the
intensity of the feelings and sensations he invoked in me. Feelings that I
couldn’t yet understand myself.
I stepped
towards him, stopping right in front of him. I would have given anything to be
able to slide back into his lap and kiss him senseless. But I held back and
braced myself for whatever was coming next. I was finding it hard to read him
so wasn’t sure what he would say to me. I only hoped he wouldn’t send me away
as though nothing happened. I would not be able to handle it. Seeing him almost
every day at university and pretending there hadn’t been anything between us.
So I held my breath as he continued.
‘I’m sorry, I
didn’t mean to frighten you. I know this was unexpected for you and believe me,
I never intended to go so far. I hope my behavior just now hasn’t offended you
by any way.’, Oh no, he was going to blow me off, pretend that nothing happened
and just move on! The pain in my chest area became intolerable. I must have
shown some discomfort outwardly for he quickly pushed himself forward and took
both my hands into his. ‘Emma, what is it?! Are you OK? I told you I am really
sorry about what just happened. I cannot turn back time and change events but I
can promise you that I will do everything I can to help you with your studies
and make sure you feel comfortable here. I perhaps misread your response to my
advances and if you do not wish to see me ever again, I would respect your
wish. If you decide to inform the department of what just happened, I will
understand. I know I shouldn’t have acted so out of control and I will face all
the consequences for my actions, I promise you.’
I was
speechless for a few moments and could not find the strength to move away or to
remove my hands, he was gripping me tight without realizing, I thought. And I
liked it. A lot. I needed time to recover from the shock and the massive relief
that followed. So he didn’t want to deny what happened! And he wouldn’t shut me
out, at least from what he was saying. I almost lost balance when I realized I
had been holding in my breath for the entire duration of his speech. All I
could do was stare at him, unable to express the tremendous joy I was feeling.
He wanted this! Otherwise he wouldn’t have said all those things.
I guess I delayed my answer for he got this really
concerned look on his face, his eyes trying to penetrate me, to read my mind
and figure out what was going on in there. I couldn’t stand the thought of
causing him discomfort or any suffering, so I smiled quickly. A small, shy,
insecure smile. It was still hard for me to believe that this man- this amazing
guy- wanted me. He could have women with much more experience than me. Ones who
were established and had a career. So why me? Did he want to simply have fun?
The last thought caused me tremendous pain and I quickly chased it away by
choosing to instead focus on the beautiful amber eyes in front of me, who were
right now gazing at me as though I were the only person in the world who
mattered. My heart completely melted. Right in this moment I would have agreed
to anything he would have requested from me. I would have given myself to him
freely, regardless whether he chose to see me as a casual fling, or someone he
wanted to share his life with. I would have eagerly taken both.
‘Emma, please talk to me. I’m beginning to think
something is really wrong. I didn’t misunderstand your reaction to my advances
earlier on, did I? Emma, just say something, for God’s sake! You are scaring
me. Did I do something to hurt you? Please, if that’s the case, just …’ I
interrupted him before he could go on, eager to put an end to this torture that
we both seemed to be going through simultaneously. ‘No, no, of course not! I’m
sorry I just needed some time to gather my thoughts. Of course I wanted it as
much as you did. This was… Well, it was unexpected but I participated
voluntarily and in equal measure. I just… err, I just had no idea you felt this
way about me, that’s all.’
‘Emma, look. I know things got out of control but you
have no idea how glad I am this happened. If I had to endure another day of
seeing you so close and yet so far away, I would have lost my mind. I wasn’t
sure about your feelings, however, although I could tell you were somewhat
interested. I just... I just didn’t dare to hope you could respond to my
feelings. But God, I am so happy you did!’, as he was saying this a broad smile
spread across his face. He was truly beautiful. I could not, for the life of
me, take my eyes off this man. Nor could I make myself believe what I was
experiencing was indeed happening. I was afraid I might wake up and this would
be just a dream. I had to pinch myself! Instead I bent down and kissed him.
Deep. I poured all my passion and unspoken desire into that kiss. I think he could
feel that as he responded by grabbing me by the waste and pulling me down onto
his lap again. This time around we remained with our clothes on, but our lips
stayed connected for what felt like hours. I couldn’t get enough of his smell,
of his taste. All my senses were filled with him fully and completely, to the
point that I no longer knew where I was. Having his arms wrapped around me,
pressing me hard against him, as though I was his only life supply, felt
exhilarating. His breathing became more labored and quick, his tongue
demanding, claiming me. The kiss deepened and became much more possessive than
during our first lovemaking. I could feel he was aroused. I was sitting on his
lap sideways and could feel his penis pressing against my thigh. He wasn’t as
hard as when we made out previously, but the way he was devouring my mouth left
no doubt in me that that he was majorly turned on.
The knock on
the door came unexpectedly for the both of us. Our stay in heaven came to an
abrupt end.
Robert
I didn’t
expect a knock on the door. Damn! I didn’t expect anyone today, which is why I
found my concern growing with each new sound coming from outside my office. I
was still majorly turned on. The delicious scent of her filling my nostrils was
intoxicating. The warmth of her warm, soft body pressing hard against mine left
me breathless. I didn’t want this to stop. But I very well knew it had to,
unless we wanted to both risk being caught making out in my own office! During
teaching hours!
I knew I
liked her enough already, so I didn’t mind losing my job over it. But she was
so young, with her entire future and career prospects ahead of her. I wouldn’t
be able to look myself in the mirror if I ruined this for her. So I gently moved
her away from me and straightened my shirt. She looked winded and embarrassed.
God she was delicious! The firm desire to pull her back onto my lap and devour
her pink swollen lips gripped me. It was with superhuman effort that I managed
to drag my eyes away from her and push myself towards the door. The knocking
sounds had intensified in the meantime and I heard the voice of one of my
colleagues shouting my name.
‘Green, are you all right man!? I’ve been looking for
you everywhere, Janine told me you must be in your office. Are you OK?’, that
was Hugh, one of the first people I made friends with upon arriving at the
university. He was a nice guy, always trying to be helpful, which just drove me
mad. It took me almost a month to make him understand I was pretty capable of
managing on my own. Fortunately, once he got the message, he was quite pleasant
to be around. We became friends pretty quickly and he always made sure to watch
out for me, only without intruding too much or interfering with my independence.
So what did he want now? I better find out and send him away before he could
figure out what was really going on. I mean, I didn’t expect him to go straight
to the dean or anything, but I wanted to keep this thing between Emma and I
private. At least for now, until I could figure out how to proceed with her. It
was way too soon for the both of us to go public, considering we hardly knew
each other. God, how I wished we could continue the conversation we had started
before Hugh managed to ruin everything. I wanted- no I NEEDED- her to trust me.
To know how I felt about her, about us. If there could actually be ‘us’. By the
way her body responded to me, I could tell she wanted to go into it. But
whether she wanted it as much as I did, that was still up in the air… I could
really see myself with this girl. She was charming, sweet and considerate. I
loved how she looked at me and smiled at me, how she blushed when I complimented
her, how her body reacted to my touch. I could lose myself completely in her
essence and never want to come back to the outside world.
Unfortunately,
the outside world was now making its presence known in the most irritating way.
I had to speak to Hugh, otherwise the guy might decide something’s wrong and
try to break into my office. That would be a disaster, seeing that Emma was
still trying to regain her composure. One quick glance over her told me all I
wanted to know- she was not ready to face any third parties right now, but what
made my heart jump and skip a beat was what I saw on her face. I could read
this expression and I’m pretty sure I was right- she was just as affected by me
as I was by her! It made me smile with overwhelming relief, which made her in
return shoot a confused look in my direction. Soon. We needed to talk and we
would, just after I send Hugh away.
I straightened
up, gestured to Emma to move away from the door, so that Hugh wouldn’t be able
to see her as I opened it. I wasn’t planning on letting him in at all. No way
was I do this to her- cause her this embarrassment. Of course we could always
explain the situation by simply saying she came over to ask me about the
lecture material. But I just didn’t want to risk it. So as soon as she got
securely out of viewing range, I opened the door just enough so I could see
Hugh and discover what he was after. ‘Hey, man, no I’m good, why-what’s up?’ I
tried to sound as normal as possible, which took me some effort given the
circumstances.
‘Hey, I was just passing by and wanted to check up on
you, see how you were doing. We are going to have a meeting with the Dean this
week and I just wanted to let you know it was re-scheduled for tomorrow.’ He
seemed like he wanted to come in so I quickly made up an excuse about being on
my computer and using earphones, hoping this would be a good enough excuse to
calm him down and hopefully get him to leave. Hugh didn’t seem to buy it at
first and almost made an effort to enter and pass me by as he stepped inside.
However, I was faster and pushed my chair forward, almost running his feet over
in the process. I think he got the message then as he raised his palms up in an
obvious gesture of surrender.’ Hey, sorry man, I didn’t mean to pry on you.
It’s just that normally you’re pretty quick to answer so I got a bit concerned.
Anyway, I think I better be on my way now, seeing all is good.’
‘Yeah, all is good, no need to worry. Thanks for being
so thoughtful, next time I will leave my door open while I’m using the
headphones. ‘, I hoped this would make him leave finally, which it did, although
as I was closing the door behind him I could tell his curiosity hadn’t been
sated.
Now, I could
finally return to Emma and our conversation. But just as I was doing that, my heart
stopped. All the elation from the joy I felt minutes ago evaporated, as I
watched the girl whom I had started to develop feelings for picked up her bag
off the floor and got ready to pass me by as she was leaving the room.
Emma
I needed to get out of there. Fast. Maybe he
was thinking he made a huge mistake and was going to say so. I wasn’t planning
on being around when this happened. So I figured, while he was talking to this
Hugh guy, that I would try and sneak out as soon as I could. I didn’t want to
hear him reject me. It would hurt too much. He said that he wanted to try this
but the way he was acting now, when his colleague was here, spoke otherwise.
Maybe he found the entire situation too embarrassing. I mean, I was his student
for Christ’s sake! He obviously did not want us to be seen together or for
anyone of his friends to know about me. And if this didn’t hurt badly enough,
the way he shot a look in my direction as Hugh attempted to enter into the
room, spoke volumes.
Professor
Green had no intention of ever going public with me and the sooner I got this
into my head, the better. It was best to end it now anyways, before one of us
caught feelings. I mean, not that I expected him to ever profess his undying
love for me or anything. OK, there was a tiny morsel of hope deep within me
that perhaps gave me the courage to come into his office and let him make love
to me. But I wasn’t going to let it destroy my already fragile sense of self.
My dignity would have shattered completely if I let this man utter the words I
was totally expecting him to. So I figured I’ll take my chances and leave right
now, while I still could, with my head kept high. I wasn’t going to allow him
to humiliate me or hurt me. I know I was stupid enough already to think he
could possibly want something more. I did show interest so I guess he took the
offer. I cannot blame him for this. Maybe perhaps he got swept in the moment
and gave me reason to hope. Looking at him now- his obvious embarrassment at being
caught here with me, in this compromising situation, brought me back to
reality. How could I even imagine for a second things could actually work out
between us. Our worlds were different. He was established- and I, well I was
still figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. Not to mention I was only
in this country to study and would have to quite possibly leave here, once I
finished my education.
No, the more I
thought about this, the more it became obvious we were doomed. Nothing serious
could possibly come out of this. And I was better off leaving him now, before
he had the chance to enter my heart fully and thus cause way more damage. So I
picked my bag, straightened myself and summoned all the strength and courage I
could muster. A clean cut now would save us both much pain down the road. At
least for me. I wasn’t sure about him and right now I didn’t even want to know.
It would cause too much harm. I was resolved to save my heart or at least
whatever was left of it. Wait! Did I just think that? Oh no, no, no, no! This
cannot happen! I weren’t in love with him already, was I!?
My head hurt
from all the mind chatter and I sprang into action. I plastered my most
uncaring face I could manage and attempted a quick escape. I almost thought he
would let me go, to spare himself further embarrassment. Not that I needed
explanations or anything. I was pretty clear on what had just taken place. It
wasn’t as though he took my virginity or anything. And he was nice to me all
throughout. So I cannot blame him for anything. I was just as eager a
participant as he was. Gosh, at one point I practically offered myself to him!
My face red, I
hurried around him, hoping I could just go past him quickly. Just as I was
passing him by and almost reaching the door, almost feeling the relief of
having averted a heartbreaking scenario, I felt his hand grip my forearm:
‘Wait! Hold on, we were going to talk I believe.” Oh no, so he wants to make
this even more embarrassing than it already was?! I pressed my lips together
and braced myself. I didn’t want to pull my arm out and just run away. He would
not only think of me as an easy girl, but also a coward. No way I was going to
stoop so low in his eyes! And so I stopped in my tracks and looked down at him.
What an irony that this man, even sitting down below me, was still in control
of the dynamics between us. To someone looking at us from a distance, it might
have seemed as though I could walk away easily and he wouldn’t have any power
to stop him. However, the strength with which he was gripping at me suggested
something different.
My eyes
followed my arm until reaching his fingers which were clamped around my wrist
now. He pulled at me slightly and not expecting the tug, I easily lost my
balance, landing right back where this all started- in his lap. My bag dropped
to the floor with a sound and I had to wrap my arms around his neck in order to
keep us both from falling along with it. For a brief moment our gazes locked,
our foreheads pressing against one another. He was looking me straight in the
eye. And I couldn’t look away even though I wanted to, badly. We stayed like
this for what seemed like eternity. Him gripping my waste, pressing me against
him, breathing into my slightly open mouth. My arms still wrapped around his
shoulders, I could feel his muscles tensing, as he fought to keep us both
upright. His ability to balance was impressive. I felt so safe in his arms.
Like this was home and I was never supposed to leave ever again.
However, the
spell was broken as the pain from earlier resurfaced. I remembered what I had
been telling myself just a few moments earlier and shifted my eyes away from
his. I couldn’t bare look at him. This man, who was gorgeous. Who had been kind
and considerate to me. Who did not reject my clumsy lovemaking but rather
embraced my essence. How could I open up to him, how could I allow myself to be
vulnerable enough in order to admit how I felt? I wanted to tell him, I NEEDED
to tell him! I was just about to mouth all of this out when he spoke; ‘Emma, I
know you were probably not expecting this when you came here at this
university. I want you to know that I am fully aware of the fact that you are
young and beautiful. You could have any guy you wanted! I know that! And god
help me, I wish I could just let you go. I wish I could let you walk out of
this room right now and just be happy you gifted me the experience to be with
you. God, I wish I were that unselfish! But I am not, Emma! I cannot! I would
not let you leave me, not like this. ‘
I was
speechless at first, too surprised by what he was saying to me to even be able
to respond or form a coherent thought. When I finally managed to open my mouth
to speak, he cut me off and continued:’ Please, hear me out first. Before you
make your mind about us, just hear what I wish to say to you. Then you will be
free to go wherever you like, once you’ve heard my offer and declined it. But I
beg of you, please listen to it first. Take your time before making final
decisions. I need you to hear this and I promise you- if after you still want
to leave and never speak to me again, I would let you go. I give you my word. I
will not try to stop you or attempt to change your mind. I promise I will
accept your decision whatever it may be.”
He looked so determined,
so desperate, that I just wanted to relieve us both and gave him a quick nod to
continue. I had no idea what he meant by all of this or what the offer he
mentioned was about. But I knew by now I cared about him way more than I had
realized. And so I held my breath and concentrated on his next words.
‘I want you to
listen to me now and not interrupt until I have finished, OK?’ Another quick
nod from me and he continued.’ I know that a guy like me would never have a
chance with a girl like you. ‘
He shot me a quick look but before I could read his
expression, he started talking again.
‘I know that I
should just be happy you came into my life and allowed me to be near you. God,
I couldn’t believe my lucky star when you came to my office today. I did not
dare hope you would take me up on my offer. But when you did, I started hoping
– not, craving, more. And you just showed up here looking more beautiful than I
ever remembered you during class, and to top it all off- you seemed to
reciprocate my advances! So, like the utter write-off of a man that I am, I
jumped the opportunity to be able to have you near me. And when you, beyond all
expectations, didn’t deny me, I couldn’t stop myself. I was desperate to have
you, Emma. I am ashamed of what I did and my lack of self-control. But you have
to understand – when you’re around, I lose my ability to think straight. All I
can really think of is how I would love to kiss you, to hold you, to enter you
and make you mine.’
He was almost
trembling now and slight perspiration had begun to form across his forehead. He
sounded pained, as though the words hurt him as he was uttering them. The look
that he gave me when he stopped for a brief moment to catch his breath was one
of pure torture. And hope. He almost had a crazed look to him, so conflicted
between the two. I craved to put an end to his suffering and shout ‘yes!’ to
whatever he wanted from me- I didn’t know what this would be exactly but I had
the feeling he was about to ask me to become…what, his girlfriend? I would have
said yes right away, but he looked like he needed to talk more, so I bit my
bottom lip to stop myself from blurting it out loud and let him continue. What
he said next, however, made my newly sprung happiness shrink back into the
desperation I felt before we started this conversation.
Robert
I
wasn’t sure how to break it to her. I wasn’t even sure if she would let me
finish my sentence before she slapped me and walked away and out of my life for
good. So I just gripped her waste tighter, took one final deep breath and
promised myself that once this was over and she had given me an answer-
whatever it may be- I would never again allow myself to stoop so low ever
again. There was something about this girl that made my blood race in my veins.
She made me feel more alive than I could ever remember.
