For The Love Of Not Walking - Table of Contents

Kieran is injured in combat in Afghanistan and comes back home a T-4 complete paraplegic. After rehab he is dealing with adjusting to life and after two suicide attempts he now lives with his sister and her family. There are not only the physical wounds but also the psychological wounds and he is trying to deal with all of it. When he meets Erin, a divorced mother of two girls, Kieran hopes to maybe get to know Erin some more and get a good thing out of it. Just about the same time, mysterious ordeals are starting to happen to him in the form of severe spasms night after night and Kieran seemingly gaining some sensation back in his body. He has no explanation for this and it is very difficult for Kieran to deal with this. When an old man appears to him who may have something to do with the nightly ordeals Kieran starts doubting his sanity. He wants to tell someone but is afraid people will think he is crazy.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 8

Hello my readers, I can't believe it is Thursday again and here I bring you another chapter of FTLONW. I had a bit of trouble formatting in the beginning, probably have to adjust my Word settings. Also this chapter is somewhat long and I thought of either leaving something out or finding a good place to cut the chapter in half. Well, I didn't do either and so it is a bit long. I want to thank everyone who commented last week, it made me very happy. I hope you enjoy and keep on reading along on how Kieran's mystery unfolds. Here is Chapter 8 of FTLONW. Thank you so much, Yours, Dani

For The Love Of Not Walking

Still trying to deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and his acquired disability during combat, Kieran has been living with his sister Fiona and her family. He is adjusting to life but at times feels lonely. There is a chance of this changing when he meets someone on an outing with the family.

Chapter 1

                It had been a busy day. Fiona was working later than usual on that Friday. Kieran had been at home with the kids all day. He had made sure they were fed and didn’t do anything crazy. Not that he could do a whole lot about it if they decided to run outside or climb on furniture to use for diving boards onto the couch. He was stuck in his wheelchair and even though the kids definitely had the upper hand in the “babysitting” department, they did respect their Uncle Kieran and usually listened to him when he did get on to them. He played board games and video games with them all the time. He threw the Football with them outside in the backyard, usually parked with his wheelchair on the deck and the kids in the grass running to catch the Football. The Basketball hoop in the drive way was another opportunity to hang out with them and show them that he could still make a basket even from the sitting position. Ashleigh was 14 years old and Dominic was 11 years old. The long summer break had been a challenge for everyone. It was almost time to go back to school. For two weeks the family had managed to go on a camping trip into the mountains and even though Kieran had enjoyed the silence in the house while they were gone, it did get lonely after a while. Living with his sister Fiona, her husband Tyler, and the kids had kept his mind occupied enough not to fall into too much of a depression lately.

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 2

                It was around six when they all headed to the food court to eat dinner. Everyone picked their choice of meal from the various vendors and eventually sat around a large table eating and chatting. A number of paper and plastic bags was piled on two chairs at the table.

                Ashleigh and Fiona were done eating and wanted to check out some other stores. Tyler called them the chick stores and it usually referred to either “Bath and Body”, “Hallmark’, or “Yankee Candle”. Tyler and Dominic didn’t want to join the women and decided to head on to one of the sports stores. Kieran didn’t feel like going anywhere and said he would just stay at the table guarding the bags and hanging out.
Tyler turned to Kieran, “You sure you don’t want to go with us?”
Kieran shook his head, “Nah, I am good. I will just stay here for now.”
“All right man, we will be back. Call if something is up.”
He looked after Tyler and Dominic as they walked away.

                Kieran pulled out his phone and held it in his hands checking his messages and social media. When he looked up for a moment he was surprised when he met a pair of eyes on him from a distance across the food court. The pair of eyes belonged to an older man who didn’t move his gaze even when Kieran spotted him. The odd looking man stuck out like from another time, sitting at one of the tables on the other side of the food court, no food and no drink in front of him. He wore a suit and a hat, just sat there, and almost like he was invisible people walked by him without even glancing at him. His eyes stayed on Kieran for a little while until he got up. Kieran was on full alert at the stares he got from the stranger and he didn’t know what to think about this. He didn’t have his hand gun anymore since everything had happened and now he felt vulnerable and exposed at the shameless stares of a man he didn’t know. His only weapon was his own dark gaze at the stranger, somehow trying to show him that he was not afraid of him and that the old man’s stare didn’t do anything to him but stir frustration and anger he kept in check with daily medications. It was an anger that could develop into a very different level of emotion if antagonized by shameless staring or somehow trying to intimidate him. Kieran stuck his phone between his thighs and without further thought he put his hands to his rims to catch up to the man and it didn’t take long as he reached him just passing some tables close to him.

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 3

Chapter 3          

It was at 11:30 p.m.when Kieran became sleepy and turned off the TV, then pushed himself down in the bed and adjusting his legs he found a somewhat comfortable position. He laid there staring into the darkness and he remembered the old man who had observed him so peculiar the day before. Maybe he had been wrong to have gone off on him. Maybe the old man was a veteran himself and Kieran had made a big mistake by getting angry.

Kieran was just about to fall asleep when out of nowhere a very intense spasm shot through his leg up into his hips. The impulse startled him and when another strong spasm followed he pushed himself up on his elbows. He had taken his Baclofen tablet before he had laid down and the powerful spasticity surprised him. When he looked over at the clock on the bedside table it showed 12:48 a.m. and he pulled himself all the way up on the headboard when the sudden feeling of a thousand tiny needles poking him in his legs made him press his lips together as he realized it was pain he felt. It wasn’t a spasm, it was actual pain in his legs and it travelled all the way into his back.
He moved the blanket over to get a view of his legs and hissed lowly, “What the fuck?”

When he looked at his legs they twitched frantically and when he touched his hand to his legs he felt the skin under his hand. He felt the sheets under his legs, he felt the pillow behind his lower back and he wiggled his toes when he looked at them. The impulse to move his legs overcame him and in awe he watched as he was able to pull his leg up to his body without the help of his hands.
He stared at his legs and shaking his head in disbelief he hissed again, “What the hell is going on?”

Again he contemplated calling out for Fiona but he stopped himself. It was a dream for sure. Most likely he was probably sleeping deeply and having taken his meds he was delirious and nightmarish illusions had overcome him. He touched his leg and felt his hand on his thigh. He moved his hand over to his crotch and was stunned when he even felt his hand on the briefs covering his privates.
He whispered, “Why is this happening?”

With full force he pinched the skin on his thigh causing himself a strong pain but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t believe that he actually felt the pain. It was almost like a rush for him as he squeezed the skin between his fingertips until it bruised. He did this in several spots and in every spot it hurt intensely and he left bruises on his thighs and constantly muttered to himself, not understanding what was happening. Sensation was back in his legs from his T-4 vertebrae on down but the illusion only lasted 11 minutes. As his body went back into total stillness and all the spasticity was gone just as quick as it had appeared, he glanced over at the clock again, it was now showing 12:59 a.m.

Tears were streaming over his face as he witnessed the sensation disappear into nothing and he didn’t know what to think. He stared down at his legs in front of him but now felt again like they were not even there. He touched his manhood and he didn’t feel anything but he saw the bruises he had left on his thighs and he knew the pinches and the pain had been real. He couldn’t explain it and he didn’t know what had happened.
Sadness crept up in him and he muttered to himself, “I have to go see my doctor.”

His body was paralyzed again. He pushed himself down onto the bed, adjusted his twisted legs with his hands once again and tears were dripping onto the sheets as he tried to make sense of this situation. He thought of all possibilities of paraplegia showing in strange ways but he couldn’t come up with anything similar to what he had felt. For 11 minutes sensations had come back into his body and had made him believe he would somehow go back to the way he used to be.

The new week started with Fiona and Tyler having to work, and leaving Kieran and the kids at home. One and a half more weeks of summer break and then the kids would be back in school and it would become quiet again for Kieran in the house.

He woke up to his alarm clock at 10 o’clock that morning. Even though he still believed it couldn’t have been real that he actually had recovered some sensation for just a few moments, seeing the bruises on his thighs and remembering the pain he had inflicted on himself during the strange episode, he still couldn’t wrap his head around the situation.
Slowly he ran his fingers over the bruises and mumbled, “What the hell is going on with me?”

He just sat there for a little while staring at his legs almost like he was trying to relive the experience of the previous two nights. Nothing happened. His legs lay still and motionless, not even a slight spasm giving them any life at the moment, just two limbs with no use attached to his body.

Kieran wheeled into the kitchen where Dominic was eating cereal with the small TV mounted on the wall above the breakfast bar showing a cartoon, “Good Morning Nickie.”
Dominic didn’t move his eyes from the cartoon, “Hi Uncle Kieran.”

Kieran prepped the Keurig coffee machine and let his cup of coffee drip while he opened the refrigerator and pulled out the gallon of milk, then wheeled over to the dining table and got the other items needed for his cereal.

"Is your sister still sleeping?” 

“Yes.”
Kieran eventually had his coffee mug and a bowl of cereal in front of him.
He looked over to Dominic again, “Do you want to go to the Y with me today?”
“Maybe.”
“I am going to leave after breakfast.”

Kieran tried to work out at least three times a week and being a disabled combat veteran he had a free membership at the local YMCA. The rest of the family had a regular family membership. Dominic made the decision to accompany his uncle and with his swim shorts and towel in a bag they were on their way to the Y about an hour later. With his wheelchair on the passenger side and Dominic in the backseat of the Mustang they made their way through the traffic. Dominic loved riding in Kieran’s car.

In the empty Yoga room Kieran let himself down from his wheelchair onto a mat. Dominic stood by and watched his uncle, still sometimes wondering how a person could just not walk anymore and why this had happened to his uncle. Kieran had explained to him before about the Spinal Cord Injury and even had shown Dominic information on the Internet but Dominic felt that even though his uncle pretended like he was okay, he really wasn’t all the way okay with having lost the use of his legs like that. Dominic hadn’t really asked Kieran much anymore about the SCI and mostly kept the concerns about his uncle to himself.

Kieran met his nephew’s eyes and managed a smile while he positioned himself on the mat and leaning with his back on the wall, “Are you going to help me stretch a little Nickie?”
Dominic nodded shyly and got down on his knees next to Kieran. He had helped his uncle many times before with all his range of motion exercises. Even at home Kieran did his stretches every day in his bed when he went to sleep or woke up in the morning.

Kieran hadn’t missed that sometimes Dominic seemed slightly intimidated by his disability but he tried to make his nephew feel comfortable around him and now he instructed Dominic on what he could help him with at this time. Dominic assisted Kieran with the different stretches for about 30 minutes. The young boy was focused and helping Kieran did make him feel somewhat at ease with his uncle’s situation. Kieran praised him for his excellent job helping him, trying his best to make Dominic feel okay. When they were done Kieran pushed his Quickie against the wall and then pulling himself up into his chair with some difficulties Dominic watched quietly, thinking about the struggles his uncle had to go through just to make it up into his wheelchair again.

Breathing somewhat heavy Kieran finally situated himself in his wheelchair and looked at Dominic with a smile, “There - all done. You want to go swimming now?”
“Yes.”

While Dominic headed toward the locker rooms to get into his swim shorts Kieran made his way to the weight room, had a sip from the water fountain and then with a YMCA towel around his neck he wheeled up to the first weight machine. Since he didn’t want anyone to see all his bruises he wore sweat pants today and a muscle shirt. For most of the machines he had to transfer onto the seats and he usually had some issues with his balance until he was buckled up and adjusted his position where he could then easily do his exercises, usually three sets of fifteen for his biceps, triceps, shoulders and pectorals, adjusting the weight accordingly. He knew it was important for him to at least keep his upper body strong enough to make the transfers easier and altogether simplify his life as a paraplegic. Working out kept his mind occupied and he pushed himself to as much as his body could take.

He was used to the usual glances from people when he wheeled into the weight room and when he transferred from his chair onto the seats of the machines. He also worked out from his wheelchair, using the rubber bands attached to the wall. He kept to himself and his eyes in front of him and tried to not cause too much attention. People still looked, mostly out of curiosity, sometimes maybe pity but he tried his best to ignore them. Sweating and huffing he pushed himself with the weights and felt the pain run through his muscles. In between switching machines he wheeled over to the water fountain to stay hydrated. Lost in thoughts with his workout he remembered the previous night and the whole situation replayed in his mind and he still couldn’t grasp what had happened or if it was even real what he had been going through for two nights in a row.

One of the YMCA’s personal trainers walked into the weight room and since Kieran had been a regular at the center he was well known by the employees and volunteers.

Justin walked up to Kieran, “Hey Kieran, how is it going?”
Kieran stopped the bicep curls and resting for a moment he replied, “I am all right.”
“You want to lift some on the bench? I don’t have any clients right now and was going to lift some myself.”
“Yeah, sure.”

In the free weights lifting area with the bench press Justin could help Kieran. Eventually Kieran laid flat with his back on the bench. He adjusted his back and shoulders to find his balance on the wide bench. Justin fastened a belt over Kieran’s chest and a Velcro strap over his thighs while Kieran slipped the fingerless gloves on his hands. Justin stacked the bar with a 60 pound weight on each side. Kieran grabbed the bar, adjusting his hands for a few seconds to get a good grip and eventually slowly pushed up and let the bar come down hovering over his upper chest, then back up. Justin stood behind Kieran’s head, looking down on Kieran and holding his hands under the bar. He closely watched Kieran lift the weight, motivating him with words and praise. Kieran pressed his lips together and lifted the bar over and over again, taking quick deep breaths through his nose. Except for his thighs his legs dangled on both sides of the weight bench, not really moving, just some slight spasms working his legs out on their own. Eventually Justin lifted the bar over Kieran’s head and rested it back on its frame, Kieran breathing quickly but staying down, shaking his arms some. His arms hurt, his muscles burned but he indulged in the sensations of feeling the pain in his upper body every time. He had slowly been building up to the 120 pounds over the last couple of months. He did two more sets until he knew he was done for that day.

Justin helped him sit up and pulled the Quickie closer again, “You did good man.”
“Thanks.”
The two men clasped their hands and pulled each other in for a quick side hug.
Justin remarked, “Your upper body strength is well defined Kieran. It’s good you keep working out like you do.”
Kieran was in the process of wiping his face with the towel and nodded, “I have to man. If I don’t keep my upper body strong, I am fucked.”

It had been over an hour in the weight room when Kieran made his way to the men’s bathroom to catheterize. He ran some cold water over his arms and splashed some in his face, then ran his wet hands through his hair before he wheeled through the men’s locker rooms into the pool area where he looked for Dominic. Dominic was playing with another kid in the shallow end of the large pool and when he spotted Kieran wheel into the pool area he waved at him. Kieran wheeled around to the side Dominic was on and pulled up close to the pool. 

Dominic swam over to the edge of the pool toward Kieran, “Hey uncle Kieran!”
“Are you having fun?”
 “Yeah, I met my friend Jayden. He goes to my school.”
“Oh cool.”
Hanging on to the edge of the pool next to Dominic, Jayden eyed Kieran curiously and Kieran waved at him, making the little boy look away.
Dominic then said, “Uncle Kieran, watch me jump in!”
 “Yeah sure.”
 “I am doing it at the deep end.”

Dominic was a good swimmer and quickly made his way to the other end of the pool, Kieran wheeling along the side of the pool and then finding a good spot to watch Dominic as he climbed out of the pool and finding his uncle’s eyes, he jumped several times, headers and straight jumps. Kieran gave him thumbs up every time Dominic came up to the surface and it brought a proud smile over Dominic’s face.

On their way home they stopped for ice cream at a Baskin Robbins and sitting in the ice cream parlor, Dominic happily licked from his ice cream cone and Kieran had a chocolate shake. Dominic then started lowly, “Jayden said it is weird that you can’t walk.”
Kieran stopped sucking from the straw in his shake and looked at Dominic, “Did you explain to him why?”
Dominic licked from his ice cream again and then replied, “I told him that a bad guy shot you in the back.”
Kieran nodded quietly and waited if Dominic had anything else to say.
Dominic kept licking his ice cream so Kieran asked carefully, “Was your friend okay with that explanation?”
"I told him that you were a soldier and you had to kill bad guys and then Jayden thought that you were cool, because you got to kill people.”

Kieran swallowed at the naïve thought process of the kid and tried to think of what else to say to his nephew. Dominic knew his story but he also knew that his uncle didn’t really talk about his time in Afghanistan and Iraq and the kids never really asked him about it, which was perfectly okay for him. He was still trying to process everything himself and was dealing with his demons on a daily basis, only the medications helping him to keep it all under control. He sat there and sucked from his milk shake and looked at Dominic lost in thoughts, watching his nephew innocently lick from his ice cream.

Almost like Dominic could read his mind, he looked up and said lowly, “I know you didn’t like killing people, even if they were bad guys.”
Kieran nodded, “You are right. It wasn’t fun and I am not cool because of it.”
Dominic nodded now and added, “I am glad you are not a soldier anymore.”
Kieran took a deep breath and replied, “Me too.” 

This wasn’t all the way the truth. For many years the Military had been Kieran’s life and ever since he got discharged he had been feeling lost and was constantly trying to find his path again, now being paraplegic and far away from the man he used to be, a fearless warrior many times and following orders and commands, trying his best to defend his country for the longest time until a bullet in his spine stopped all of it in a moment’s time.

With that he held his arms out and nodded at Dominic, “Bring it in Nickie.”
Dominic didn’t hesitate and moved over to give Kieran a hug. It felt good to get the hug and without the hugs he had been given by his family over the last year he wouldn’t have made it that far. He still needed his sister and her family.

At home Kieran got into the shower and then spent the rest of the day with the kids at the house while Fiona and Tyler were at work. 

When Kieran sat in the living room watching TV he got a text message from Erin, “Hey Kieran, how was your day?”
He was happy to get a text from her and replied, starting a light conversation with her back and forth for about an hour. At around 10:00 o’clock that night he felt tired and made his way to his room. He got undressed, finished up in the bathroom and transferred into his bed but not wanting to watch TV anymore instead he fell asleep fairly quickly that night.

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 4

Kieran is still dealing with the mysterious encounters during the night and it becomes a problem when Fiona and Tyler find him out of his bed but not in his wheelchair after one of the ordeals. He is faced with telling or not telling his family about the mystery he has been dealing with for a few nights now.

Chapter 4

                Just like the previous nights at 12:48 a.m. he was torn out of his sleep again by a painful shock wave travelling from his legs up in his chest. He opened his eyes and felt the severe spasticity in his legs again. He could barely reach the lamp on his bedside table and turned it on. With his legs shaking under his blanket it seemed like there was a creature under it. Pushing up on his elbows he pulled himself up to a sitting position and almost fell back down with the spasticity taking over his body. He held himself up and pushed up on his hands, holding his balance some and just watching the blanket move with his legs under it. He hissed, “What is going on?”

             Kieran couldn’t grasp what was happening to his body again, now the third night in a row and trying to relax and focus on his breathing he moved the blanket over and saw his legs moving. At the same time he felt them attached to his body now, he felt them touching his mattress and he felt when he moved the blanket over and the cooler air of the room graze his legs. When he touched his hand to his leg he felt the warmth of his hand on his skin and he couldn’t help tears shooting into his eyes. There was no explanation and without thinking too much Kieran actually was able to move his legs over to the edge of his bed without the help of his hands and he pressed his lips together, tears wanting to flow and not understanding what was going on with his body. The spasticity let off some, just a slight pain still lingering in his legs but he didn’t care, he felt his legs, he felt his belly and he felt the nerves in his chest up to his T-4 vertebrae, he had sensations again.

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 5

Kieran is finally going on the date with Erin and he is nervous. Erin eases his mind though and he feels very good about being with her. They get to know each other some more and feelings that cannot be ignored are blooming. Especially Erin feels very drawn to Kieran and the way he is. It confuses her a bit to feel a certain attraction to him but she is very happy to be with him.

             Chapter 5

                Kieran woke up tired and exhausted on Friday but still made his way to the YMCA, again with Dominic in tow. He was looking forward to the evening with Erin and he wanted to feel good about himself. His work out at the Y always made him feel better and kept his mind off all the bad things. Pumping the iron there gave him some kind of normalcy, making him feel like a capable man and making him forget about his broken body for an hour or two.

After his visit to the YMCA, at home he ended up on his bed and actually fell asleep before he could get into the shower. He was tired from the ordeal of the night and he had not really slept well lately.

                It was Fiona who knocked on the door at five o’clock, “Kieran, are you all right in there?”
He shifted in his bed and answered sleepily, “Yeah, I fell asleep.”
Fiona peeked around the door into the room, “Aren’t you supposed to go on a date tonight with Erin?”
“Yes, I am getting up now.”
“I assume you don’t want to eat dinner with us since you are going out to eat.”
“You assumed right.”
“Okay.”

                 Fiona disappeared again and Kieran made it out of his bed and into the bathroom. Sitting in front of the mirror he looked at his face and took off the gauze pad from his forehead. He didn’t want to look all beat up on his date and he didn’t really want to explain to Erin what had happened. The cut had already closed and was now just a slightly red short streak. He catheterized and he got into the shower.  

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 6

Erin and Kieran continue their date in a bar where a situation gets out of control and causes Kieran to question if being with Erin is the right decision.


Chapter 6

                Kieran found a disabled parking spot close to the front entrance. Erin was out of the car before he could even get his wheelchair out of the backseat and assemble the wheels to it. Even though he really would have liked to open the door for her again she shut the door just when he got into his Quickie.

She waited for him at the back of the car and when Kieran came wheeling around to her he said lowly, “I wanted to get the door for you.”

"Don’t worry about it Kieran, I’m fine, really.”

                They made their way to the entrance. Since there was a live band playing that night, there was a fee to get in. Kieran pulled out his wallet, paid for both and motioning Erin in front of him he followed right behind her. It was busy already but when people realized Kieran wheeling in some moved out of the way and to others he had to make known that he was trying to make his way through. He hadn’t really been out in crowds too much lately and for a moment he deliberated if it maybe had been a bad idea to go into a crowded place like this. Erin looked back at Kieran, then got behind him and watched as he made his way through the crowd trying to find a good spot to sit. She wasn’t sure if he was all right with all the people, some inconsiderate when he tugged on their shirts or said a loud “Excuse me”. Some looked down on him almost annoyed but he stayed calm and finally they found a spot away from the stage where the band was playing and Erin had a chair to sit on at a small table. Kieran pushed his wheelchair closely next to Erin. She smiled shyly, hoping that he was okay with all the people. It was loud and hard to talk to each other.

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Lost in thoughts Kieran didn’t realize the time and at 12:48 a.m. he was ripped from his thoughts by the sudden pain that drove from his legs up into his chest. He gasped and clenched his teeth, grabbing the steering wheel tightly with his hands to get some kind of grounding. It happened again, the mysterious sensation that started in his body as a severe spasm, letting his nerves gain sensation of pain and shocking his body into life again. He hit the steering wheel cursing into the night, wondering again what was happening to him now night after night.

                Without waiting though when he felt the sensations return into his legs, he opened his car door and stepped out of his car, breathing quickly as his feet were planted on the ground and he rose from his car, holding on to the door to get his balance and making sure he was really standing.
He talked to himself, no one around to hear him, “Why is this happening? What the fuck…”
He walked away from his car, first very slowly, planting one foot after the other and stepping onto the walking path along the water.
He stood there on the sidewalk looking down his legs and touching his thighs and knees with his hands, wondering, “Why?”

                He lifted one leg and stood on the other leg and then did the same with the other and without thinking anymore he took off jogging down the sidewalk and tears were streaming out of his eyes. He ran back and forth close to his car, feeling the strength return in his legs and feeling the pounding of the concrete under his feet. He stomped, he jumped and he ran and ran and he cried and he talked to himself.

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 8

Kieran has to come up with something to tell Fiona when she confronts him about the previous night and he is struggling with telling or not telling people around him. Another situation literally will not keep him on the edge of his seat.

Chapter 8

                It was afternoon when Kieran made his way out into the kitchen. Fiona was vacuuming and a cake was in the oven. Dominic was outside in the street with his friends playing Basketball and Ashleigh was at the movies with her friends. Tyler was still at work.
Fiona turned the vacuum off, “Good Afternoon.”
“Hey.”
He wheeled into the kitchen and Fiona watched him for a moment, waiting for him to say anything, which he didn’t. She went back to vacuuming the bedrooms. There was no carpet in the family room, the living room area, and also the dining room, only a few accent rugs making the house cozy, but easy enough for Kieran to wheel around the rugs.

                When Fiona was done Kieran was back in his room and she knocked on his door. She needed to talk to him about the previous night. He sat in front of his lap top when she came in and he spun his wheelchair around as she sat down on the only arm chair in his room, which was usually cluttered with clothes and not really used for sitting in it.

He had his hands folded in his lap and looked at his sister expectantly when she started lowly, “Kieran, I need to talk to you.”

He didn’t reply but also didn’t decline so Fiona continued, “First off, how was your date last night?”

Kieran had expected some other question and looked down at his hands, then back up at his sister, “It was really good.”
“So Erin - do you like her?”
He nodded and answered lowly, “A lot.”
Fiona sighed and with a tremble she asked, “So why did I end up having to get you from the hospital?”
Kieran looked down at his hands again and thought about his answer.
Fiona didn’t wait for an answer and continued, “Why were you out of your wheelchair and found on the ground on two occasions this week?”
Kieran still didn’t know how to answer her and just sat there. Fiona was somewhat tense and because she was worried about him she was frustrated with his silence.
She felt tears in her eyes when she said, “Kieran, we took you in to be there for you when things are rough and I expect you to trust me when you are dealing with stuff. I am not going to talk sweet to you to get you to cooperate but if you don’t talk to me I can’t help you and that goes against everything we wanted to be for you when you moved in with us.”
Kieran was surprised at his sister’s words. He realized she was somewhat angry and he needed to come up with an answer.
He looked up at her and he saw Fiona wipe over her eyes.
He took a deep breath, and felt his hands tremble when he lied, “I have been having strange dreams. I dream I can walk and I have been dragging myself out of bed and when you found me in the bathroom I had heaved myself over there and tried to pull myself up on the cabinet with my hands and arms to stand. It didn’t work and I fell down. After I dropped Erin off at home last night I drove around a little and parked my car down by the water to enjoy the night and eventually I found myself out of my car. I really don’t know how I got there. I blacked out I think.”
Fiona listened to him and a few tears ran down her face hearing him talk about dreams of walking.
Kieran knew he could maybe convince her with that lie, but he felt bad, “I guess I still have this shimmer of hope that I could walk again or something. I don’t know. It’s weird.”

                She sniffled her nose, got up and walked over to Kieran, then leaning down to hug him. Kieran felt relieved that he had dodged a more intense interrogation.

He hugged his sister back as she mumbled into his ear, “Oh Kieran, I am so sorry. I wish so much you could walk but you know they have tested you and all, the complete injury makes it practically impossible. I just don’t want you to get hurt doing these stunts of trying to stand or walk. Maybe we can still look into the braces option sometime if you want but they said even if you could manage to stand up with braces it would be such hard work to learn to take a few steps if you could even do it. And if you don’t remember doing any of this stuff you are talking about, you should maybe address that with your doctor.”

                She cried now and Kieran felt bad for having lied to his sister. There was no way he could tell her the truth of what had happened to him for a week now, about the appearance of the old man and the illusion of walking and standing, even running last night. It felt so amazing and it hurt so much to have this sensation for just a few minutes and then have his legs ripped out from under him.
He held his sister in an embrace and replied, “I know Fiona…I know it won’t work but I guess my brain still doesn’t comprehend it all the way.”
She let go of him and looked at him with tear filled eyes, “I love you Kieran. We all love you and you know we are here for you.”
He smiled at her, “I know that and I appreciate it so much. I love you all too.”
She then asked with a teary smile, “So before all this happened last night at least Erin and you had a good time then?”
He nodded, “Yes, we did. I will see her again. She is very nice.”
“Oh good, when are you meeting her again?”
“Probably on Friday.”
“I am so happy for you.”
“Thanks.”

                Kieran took a breath of relief when his sister’s worried questioning was over and he was in his room again by himself. He pulled his phone out and texted Erin:
“Hey Erin, how are you? I hope you had a good night and aren’t too upset with me anymore and the situation at the bar. I hope you have a good day today.”

He sent off the message and put his phone down.
After a few moments his phone buzzed, announcing a message from Erin:
“Hi Kieran, thanks for checking in. I am happy to hear from you. I am doing good and I did sleep well. Why should I be upset with you? It didn’t cross my mind at all. What are you doing today?”

Kieran typed his reply:
“I don’t know, it still bothers me that this happened at the bar. I am sorry. I am not doing anything today, just hanging out at the house. Maybe I will hit the gym later. What are you doing?”

Erin’s answer came quick:
“Which gym do you go to? I am just cleaning the house, doing some yard work. Tonight I will meet with some friends.”

“Nice, I go to the YMCA. I am really looking forward to see you again next week.”

“Me too. School starts on Wednesday, thank goodness.”

“I know, it is time for the kids to get back into a routine. I know my sister and brother-in-law are ready. It will get quiet in the house though.”

“That’s true but it’s okay.”

“Well, I will let you go again. Just wanted to wish you a good day and check in.”

“I am glad you did. J Anytime.”

                He finished texting with Erin and when he put his phone down he sighed. Erin at least had plans. Just for little bit he had hoped that somehow she would maybe offer to meet up again. He didn’t like the idea of having to wait so long to see her again.

Instead of staying home though he decided to go to the YMCA. He didn’t feel all the way good, the situation from the night still weighed on his mind. He needed to work out to get his mind off the previous night and everything that was going on. He got into his workout clothes and told Fiona he was off to the gym.
As Kieran opened the garage the loud voices and laughter of Dominic and his friends came into the garage. He slowly let his Quickie roll down the ramp into the garage and wheeled outside.
The neighbor boys greeted him and Dominic came over, “Uncle Kieran, you want to play?”
“I don’t think so, I am going to the Y. Who’s winning?”
The boys were playing a game of “Horse” and Dominic answered proudly, “I am winning.”
Kieran smiled, “Cool, who’s up?”
“I am.”
“Where from?”
Dominic showed the spot where to shoot the ball from and Kieran wheeled over to it, “Here, I will shoot one for you.”
One of the boys tossed Kieran the ball and he caught it in his lap. As he positioned his Quickie once more he then threw the ball and made the basket and Dominic jumped up, cheering, “I am still in.”
Kieran laughed and with the curious eyes of Dominic’s friends on him he then wheeled back into the garage.
Dominic ran after him and asked, “You are not mad if I am not going with you?”
“Of course not. I am just going to lift some weights. Don’t worry.”
  
                As Kieran pulled out of the garage the boys were all standing over on the side of the driveway and waved at him as he slowly backed up into the street and took off.
The Y was somewhat crowded on this Saturday and even in the Yoga room some people were stretching. Kieran found a spot in the corner, then lowered himself onto the ground, trying not to meet the eyes of the other occupants in the room. He did some of his stretches and the range of motion exercises he could do without help. After he was done he was glad when there was only one older man left in the room with him as he pulled himself up into his wheelchair. He wheeled out into the weight room and slowly made his way from one machine to the next, working his arms and upper body hard and letting his thoughts drift off to nothing, only feeling the pain of his muscles working.

                That night as he laid on his bed in his room watching TV, it knocked on the door and eventually Ashleigh came in, “Uncle Kieran, you busy?”
With Ashleigh coming in he pushed himself up on his bed some, leaning on the head board, “No, just watching a movie.”
He wasn’t wearing a shirt and Ashleigh glanced at the bandage, “What is that?”
She came over, moved some of Kieran’s clothes out of the way on the arm chair, and pulled her feet up on the chair.
Kieran didn’t know how much Ashleigh possibly knew from her mom about the previous nightly ordeal and he wasn’t sure on what to answer.
She nodded at his belly again, “So what is that? How did you get hurt?”
“I kind of fell last night. It was all weird.”
He told Ashleigh the same thing he had told her mother but unlike Fiona, Ashleigh didn’t seem convinced with his answer but she didn’t ask any more questions concerning his injury but instead asked, “I also want to know how your date was with Chloe’s mom?”
He smiled, “It was good. We had a good time.”
Ashleigh kept pushing, “Like how good?”
Kieran laughed lowly, “Ash, you are not nosy at all?”
“You know me Uncle Kieran…so, are you going to see her again?”
“Yes, I am going to see her again on Friday.”
“Cool. That is what Chloe said.”
“So you already knew because you guys are talking about me and Erin?”
“Heck yes, we want you to hook up.”
Kieran looked down for a moment and then back up at his niece, “All right then.”
“Chloe’s mom has been single for a while and she has been on a bunch of dates.”
Kieran shifted some, “She has?”
“Yeah, she has been divorced from their dad for about two years now. She has been on dates but nothing came out of them yet. So I want you to be the one she picks.”
“That would be nice but we will see.”
“I think she will pick you.”
“Why you think that?”
Ashleigh grinned, “Because I say so.”
Kieran laughed, “Okay then.”

                He then asked, “Are you ready for High School?”
Ashleigh looked down, “No, not really. I am kind of nervous. I hope the classes won’t be too hard and I hope the kids are nice and stuff.”
“You will do great. You are a popular girl and you have your friends there too. You won’t be alone.”
Ashleigh nodded, “I guess. I may not have classes with all of them though and I’m nervous about that. I hope Chloe and I will have classes together. I hope I have the same lunch with her.”
“Lot of stuff you think about, huh?”
“Yeah.”
Kieran tried to sound reassuring, “You will be fine and if anyone messes with you, you come to me and tell me. Stay away from the boys too.”
Ashleigh smiled, “Why?”
“Because…I say so.”
They laughed together and then Ashleigh asked lowly, “Where are your friends, Uncle Kieran?”
Kieran turned serious and looked down, thinking for a moment, then looked up at Ashleigh from under his bangs, “I guess sometimes things change in life and friendships change.”
Ashleigh asked, “Aren’t you lonely?”
Kieran moved his head from side to side and shrugged his shoulders, “I have you guys.”
“That’s different. We are family. You should have friends outside your family and a girlfriend maybe.”
Kieran nodded, “You’re probably right.”
Ashleigh thought for a moment, then asked, “I wonder how it would be if like Chloe or Sandra or I would get into an accident and be paralyzed? I wonder if we would still be friends.”
Kieran looked at her questioning but didn’t say anything until Ashleigh remarked, “I think we would still be friends.”
She then got up, walked over to the bed, and leaned down for a hug.
Kieran pulled her close to him hugging her and Ashleigh said, “I love you Uncle Kieran and I don’t want you to be lonely. I think your friends may miss you and I will hold my fingers crossed that you will hook up with Chloe’s mom.”
For a moment Kieran felt a pain in his heart at his niece’s comments and he held her close and he thought of everything that had been going on and he wondered if maybe Ashleigh would believe him if he would tell her what had been happening to him night after night and how much it hurt him every time and how much he wanted the feeling to stay and not be taken from him so harshly night after night. But he couldn’t. Ashleigh was a young girl dealing with her own share of teenage problems, he didn’t need to burden her with his serious issues.
They held each other for a moment and when they let go Kieran said lowly, “Thanks Ash. Love you too.”

                For the next few nights he still experienced the same mystery night after night, his sensations coming back to him with a violent spastic episode and then lingering for a couple of minutes. One thing he realized though was that every night he had one minute longer than the previous night. He actually timed the episodes but he was smart enough to not stay too far from his bed now. He couldn’t afford to get hurt more seriously and he didn’t want to stir up any more suspicions form his sister or the rest of the family. He still couldn’t explain why it happened to him but for a few minutes he indulged in the sensations of standing and moving his legs and even though it caused him pain and he couldn’t understand he started to just go with it. He still thought about the old man and what he had said about remembering the night he got shot to get answers. He tried to remember but he couldn’t figure out what was going on and what the night he got shot had to do with it all.

                 During the day he texted with Erin and at night he called her and they talked for a little while. It was Tuesday night before school started on Wednesday when Fiona was getting Dominic’s school back pack ready and Kieran and Tyler watched one of their favorite shows. Ashleigh was lounging on her favorite chair in the living room playing with her phone. Everyone had already eaten dinner and now enjoyed the last evening of summer break. 

                Kieran didn’t get up at the same time like everyone else the next day but instead he let the family deal with the stress of the first day of school and only right when the kids were getting ready to go to the bus he wheeled out in his shorts to send them off and wish them Good Luck. Ashleigh looked nice and wore her new clothes, wanting to make sure she made a good first impression in High School and Dominic showed off his new back pack. Kieran hugged them tight and they were out the door, Tyler taking them to the bus stop and then going to work. Kieran was sleepy still, it was only seven thirty, the earliest he had gotten up in a long time.

                Fiona was almost ready to go too and with Kieran sitting in the kitchen she gathered her purse and her lunch bag, “So this is it. You have the house to yourself again. Ashleigh should get home around three and Dominic gets home shortly after four.”
Kieran ran his hand through his hair, trying to straighten it somewhat, “Yeah.”
Fiona walked over to him and asked him lowly, “Are you going to be okay?”
Kieran’s voice was still sleepy, “Yeah, I will be fine. I have support group at noon today.”
“Oh okay, don’t miss it then.”
“I won’t.”
Fiona wasn’t all the way comfortable leaving Kieran alone but she was relieved he had his support group appointment and she had been making sure he was taking his medication regularly. She looked at her brother with a weary face.
Kieran knew her expression all too well and assured her, “Fiona, just go to work and do your thing. I am not going to kill myself and I am not going to do anything stupid. I got this, okay?”
She nodded and leaned down to hug him, “Have a good day, I will see you tonight. Call me if anything is up.”
He hugged his sister and mumbled into her hair, “Nothing will be up.”
“I love you Kieran.”
“I love you.” Fiona stood back up and left out the door.

                Kieran stayed in the kitchen and sighed. It was very quiet in the house all the sudden. He knew Fiona worried about him all the time and he needed to keep it together and show his sister once again that he would be okay.
He put his hands to his rims and wheeled to his room and bathroom. He wanted to get into the shower but before that he got on the toilet and tried to empty his bowels. He had taken a laxative the night before and usually the next morning it worked.
In the shower he only let the water run over his legs and lower body, careful not to get the bandage wet that was still wrapped around his torso. He washed his arms with a washcloth and tried to avoid as good as possible to not get the bandage wet.
As the water ran over his legs in the shower he looked down at his skinny legs and he thought about the things that had been happening to him every night and he remembered the old man again and everything seemed so unreal. Keeping this mystery to himself made him feel like he was alone with this and it weighed heavy on his mind.

                He threw himself onto his bed and put on his boxers and sweat pants, then his socks and sitting somewhat wobbly on the edge of the bed he pulled his one leg up on his knee and pushed his foot into his sneaker, then repeated the same with the other foot. He transferred quickly into his wheelchair and made his way out to the kitchen to eat something. Coffee was still on and he poured himself a cup and then balanced it between his thighs and wheeled over to the table. He got the milk, a bowl, and the cereal in two more runs and eventually pulled his Quickie up to the table where his spot was. He had his phone in his pocket and looked over his emails, social media and eventually checked in on one of his favorite spinal cord injury websites. After looking over it somewhat he started a new thread in the Medical Question section:

               “Hey you guys, got a question. For almost two weeks I have been experiencing freaking severe spasms at night, always around the same time. They rip me out of my sleep and shoot through me like a lightning bolt, from my toes up to my T-4 and it almost hurts, just very uncomfortable. The weirdest thing is that it feels like I get some sensations back when that happens, I have touched my legs with my hands during that episode and I swear I can feel my hands on my skin. The same thing on my belly, I can feel my hands on my skin. I don’t know what is going on but the other night I was able to move over to the edge of my bed easily and I let my legs and my feet down on the floor and I felt the floor under my feet. I even pushed up some and it was like I could stand up maybe but I was afraid I was hallucinating or something and so I didn’t try to get up all the way. Unfortunately this episode only lasts for about twenty minutes every night and I am clueless. I don’t know what is going on. Anyone have any ideas or feedback? Has anyone experienced anything like this? It really messes with my head and it makes me angry but also a tiny bit hopeful. Thanks guys! KOM”

                After Kieran had sent the message off, he brought up his Facebook and looked through all his friend’s posts and comments. He tapped on his friend’s Andy’s profile. He looked over Andy’s timeline and saw pictures of him and his fiancée, pictures uploaded from a weekend trip and various small comments on Football and Sports. Andy had been there the night he got injured and shot, and had witnessed the agony and pain Kieran had been in and having to wait for help in a ditch until the medics could get to him. Andy was there when Kieran screamed in pain and he was the one that applied tourniquets to keep Kieran from bleeding to death. They had not been able to really connect anymore after Kieran had been transported back to the US and had gone through months of recovery and rehab. Andy couldn’t deal with Kieran now paralyzed and even though Andy also suffered from PTSD, he had not ended up in a wheelchair and had been able to somehow keep a grip on life with a woman he was about to marry.
It had been a real test to their friendship, a friendship that had unfortunately diminished over the pain and the insecurities they both were dealing with. Their communication had been very rare and not very deep. 

                Kieran tapped on the message icon with shaky hands and after some hesitation he started to type:
“Hey man, how are you?”
He really didn’t know how to formulate his message. He took a deep breath and typed again:
“I hope things are going good for you. It looks like the wedding plans are in full drive.”
For a moment Kieran paused again and thought about his next words. Just writing about the wedding plans hurt him some but he needed to talk to Andy:
“I am doing all right I guess. Dealing with some physical stuff but otherwise hanging in there. I was wondering if we could maybe catch up sometime over food or a beer?”
He pondered if he should let Andy know that he needed to ask him some questions about the fateful night in Afghanistan but he decided he wouldn’t:
“Let me know if you want to get together sometime and when a good time is for you. I am flexible. Take care, Peace out.”

                Kieran hesitated a moment to click send but after reading over his message one more time he sent it off.  He leaned back in his wheelchair, stretched his neck from left to right and sighed, then with his hands placed on his rims he lifted his body off the seat for a moment, a movement he adhered to many times during the day to prevent lengthy sitting and possibly causing pressure sores to develop.
He stared at his phone and was lost in thoughts, reminiscing about the past and the friendship he had shared with Andy for a couple of years until everything changed.

                At eleven Kieran pulled into the disabled parking spot in front of the Veterans Hospital. At least one whole parking lot with about 200 spots was reserved for disabled parking. He saw old veterans on walkers, canes, or crutches, some in wheelchairs being pushed by their wives or caretakers. He also saw young veterans from the recent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan using some of the same devices as their elderly counterparts but added to the picture lots of amputees, a sign of a different type of war in modern times. Wars where the weapons were much more insidious and vicious, weapons that couldn’t be spotted right away and when found already too late to dodge them. Aside from all the physical disabilities so many dealt with the debilitating psychological disabilities.

                He transferred into his Quickie and locked the car, then wheeled into the hospital’s main entrance. He made a stop at the coffee shop in the basement floor of the hospital before he headed to his meetings. The girls at the coffee shop were always very friendly and quirky and greeted him by his first name after he had had to tell them his name so many times over the past year every time he placed his order.
Sylvia at the register smiled down to him, “Hey Kieran, how are you?”
“I’m good, how about you?”
Sylvia laughed, “Another day right?”
Kieran nodded and she asked, “Order as always?”
“Yes please.”
Kieran already pulled out his wallet and his money while Sylvia announced to her colleague Tara, “As always for Kieran.”
Tara got busy preparing Kieran’s Latte Macchiato and Sylvia took his money, “Thanks Kieran.”
“Thank you ladies.”
He pulled over to the side of the coffee stand where he waited to pick up his coffee.
The third girl Michelle came around to the side and leaned over the counter smiling at Kieran, “Hey handsome!”
“Hey Michelle, how are you?”
“I’m always good when I see you.”

Michelle had not really kept it secret that she had a crush on Kieran but she was a lot younger than him, being only in her early twenties. It had never stopped her though to bluntly flirt with him when he came around and even though Kieran would have never started anything with her he still enjoyed her flirty comments and attention.
Michelle asked him, “Are you going to your support group again?”
She handed him his coffee which Tara had finished and Kieran reached for it, nodding, “Yeah, same thing, as always.”
Tara walked away and Michelle said, “You don’t look like you need that group anymore.”
Kieran looked down with a smile and then up, “Ah yeah, I still need it.”

                He liked Michelle’s naivety about everything to do with being a combat veteran. Maybe it was her daily exposure to all the veterans that made her see things in a different light and for a moment Kieran actually pondered if he still needed his support group or if he just went because the VA offered it to him.
Michelle’s expression turned serious, “I think you need to find a girl and then you won’t need that support group anymore. The right girl will help you overcome your issues.”
Kieran smiled, “You may be right but since there is no girl I guess I will keep coming here. If I wouldn’t any more than I wouldn’t see you any more either. Would you like that?”
Michelle laughed, “No I wouldn’t like that but I am talking about me being that support girl for you…”
Kieran now laughed with her and added, “Not giving up on me, huh?”
She still smiled, “Never, just wait a couple more years when I am older…you’re going to realize that you need me.”
“You don’t want to deal with this old dude, I am telling you.”
“You are only 32 Kieran….”
“Maybe in years but my mind and body is a lot older, believe me.”
Michelle leaned over some more and reached her hand out over the counter, “I am going to keep bugging you, handsome.”
Kieran took her hand and kissed her softly on the back of it, then smiled at her, “I can’t wait until you find a guy your age.”
“I find them all the time but I don’t want to keep them.”
She laughed, pulled her hand back and stood up, “Bye Kieran, you made my day once again. I love Wednesday every three weeks.”
Kieran put his cup in between his thighs and with another smile he said, “Bye Michelle, have a good rest of your week. I will see you later.”
“Yes, you will.”
She blew him a kiss and they parted ways.

                Michelle did put a smile on Kieran’s face. It was her childish confidence and giving him a feeling of life being a good thing, no matter what happened. He did feel good around her for the few minutes every three weeks when he got his coffee at the Care Coffee Shop. She always chatted with him and always hit on him and it had crossed his mind to take her out on a date but in the end he didn’t think it was a good idea. She was a 22-year young, fun and happy young woman, she didn’t need to deal with him and his issues in her life. There were guys out there for her that would fit into her life a lot better than a 32-year-old paraplegic veteran with PTSD who didn’t really have a plan.

                He arrived at his support group room and some of the members were already there. He wheeled in and was greeted by the men and women, all of them combat veterans with different issues but mostly dealing with PTSD of different severity. A couple of handshakes and quick hugs and they fell into a chatter about their days and their lives, waiting for the social worker Terry to show up.
Kieran had been referred to the support group after his second suicide attempt and moving in with Fiona. It had been up to him if he wanted to join and when at first he had been hesitant he finally went and for the first couple of sessions it had been difficult but now he was somewhat well adjusted and more of a support for newer members.

                Brandon, another younger veteran, showed up and came right up to Kieran and greeted him with a handshake, “Hey bro, it’s good to see you.”
Kieran and Brandon had been connecting through the group and had been out a few times for a beer. They were about the same age, Brandon only two years younger and even though not physically disabled, Brandon dealt with a lot of psychological issues. He had been a Marine and been exposed to some horrific situations.
“Hey Brandon, how is it going?”
“It’s going man, it’s going.”
Brandon sat down on a chair next to Kieran and they started chatting.
Kieran eventually opened up to Brandon, “I went on a date, man.”
Brandon held his hand up for a high five, “That is good news. How did it go?”
Kieran told Brandon about his date and even about the situation in the bar when Brandon cut in, “Oh Shit, I am glad I wasn’t there. It wouldn’t have been pretty. I just can’t deal with assholes anymore. Kudos to you for staying calm, man.”
“There wasn’t much I could do, I am not really a winning match in any fight.”
"You have a gun on you, don’t you?”
Kieran thought for a moment, then shook his head, “No, I don’t. It’s better that way. I don’t trust myself with guns, man and my sister made sure that I couldn’t get my hands on any.”
Brandon looked down for a moment and then up at Kieran nodding, “I guess you are right but damn, I won’t let anyone take my right away to carry a weapon. There are too many crazy motherfuckers out there.”
Kieran nodded and grinned, “You are one of them too!”
Brandon slapped his thighs and laughed, “Fucking right I am so no one better mess with me or the people I care about.”
Kieran smiled, “That is exactly why we need to keep coming to this fucking meeting.”

Brandon nodded and even though he talked rough and was definitely a guy not to be messed with he was also suffering from PTSD, taking medication and trying to get a grip on life again. Something to look forward to for him was the upcoming birth of his first child but on the inside he was trying to fight his demons every day and was getting there slowly with the support from his family and the programs of the VA.

                Kieran took a sip from his coffee when Terry showed up. Terry was a middle aged social worker and had been working for the VA for all his life so far, side by side with the psychologists and psychiatrists. He was an extension of the doctors to get connected with the veterans on a more non-clinical level. He had a way to gain their trust easy and even spent some of his time outside of work with some of his patients in non-institutional settings, taking trips or socializing with them outside of the hospital on some occasions.

               The group consisted of ten people and everyone talked about their past few weeks and if there were any situations that were difficult to deal with. Everyone seemed to be doing okay and while Kieran sat there listening mostly he thought about if he should talk about the things that had been happening to him at night and the two encounters with the old man. He still wasn’t all the way convinced that the man was a real appearance in his life or if his mind was playing a bad trick on him, maybe some medication causing him to see things that were not there.
He was pulled out of his thoughts by Terry’s soft voice, “How have you been Kieran?”
Instead of Kieran talking though, Brandon cut him off and laughed, “He went on a date.”
Everyone smiled, laughed and clapped their hands, Terry gave a thumbs up into Kieran’s direction, “Good for you Kieran. Hopefully it was a good experience.”
“It was a very good experience and I will see her again this week.”
Everyone still nodded and smiled and Terry asked, “Anything going on you want to maybe talk about or address? Any questions for us?”
For a moment he was still torn between telling or not telling and with a deep breath and pretending a carefree attitude he said, “No, actually everything is going good. I’m happy and I’m doing all right.”
Brandon patted him on the shoulder and mumbled, “That’s good man, that’s good.”
Since Kieran didn’t have any issues he wanted to discuss they moved on to Brandon and he had had a few bad nights lately he talked about and everyone listened and tried to make him feel better. Terry supported with his professional advice and Brandon seemed motivated enough, “Yeah, it’ll be okay. My wife is due in three weeks, I’m fucking excited.”
Again everyone clapped and they all were happy for Brandon.

                Even though sometimes Kieran dreaded the support group with its motivational and encouraging speeches he usually felt good afterwards and he usually left with a boost of energy and feeling ready to tackle the next few weeks.
It was a little different this time, he had not had the courage to talk about his mysterious encounters and so the feelings and confusion stayed bottled up inside and when he said Good Bye to Brandon that afternoon he couldn’t help feeling just a little envy for Brandon who was on his two legs and was waiting for the arrival of his baby with excitement and joy, something that most definitely would brighten his days and hopefully let him forget the horrors he had seen in his young life.

               Just as he wheeled out of the hospital through the automatic doors of the main entrance he couldn’t believe when out of nowhere he saw the old man entering the hospital through the rotating doors. Kieran felt his heart beat speed up and his hands tremble when he spun his Quickie around, got cut off by an elderly couple in front of him and then swiftly rolled back inside the hospital through the automatic doors right behind the couple, having to make his way around them and almost bumping into another elderly veteran who wasn’t too happy about the very close encounter with Kieran’s wheelchair, “Young man, slow down your horses there!”
In passing Kieran quickly managed a, “I am very sorry, sir.”
He looked around in every direction for the old man but couldn’t see him anymore, “Fuck!”
He mumbled to himself and pushed his rims making his way through all the people close to the entrance and exit doors to get into the open space of the lobby.

                The lobby attached to four hallways into the different wings of the hospital. Kieran looked around himself and down the hallways when he spotted the old man walking way down one of the hallways. He put his hands to his rims and took off in an attempt to catch up with him.
He rolled along the smooth floor, giving his Quickie a push every couple of feet and letting it roll. He kept his eyes in front of him, dodging some people walking in front of him or into the opposite direction, not trying to lose sight of the old man down the hallway.
He got closer and called out, “Hey, old man…wait up. It’s your boy Kieran here.”
Seemingly not hearing him, the old man didn’t wait and didn’t stop and just when Kieran gained some momentum again, his left leg was thrown up with a sudden severe spasm and banged down onto the frame of the wheelchair, with his left foot getting caught under his caster wheel, abruptly breaking the speed of the chair and violently making it tip over and Kieran actually getting thrown out of his wheelchair right in the middle of the hallway.
While people came rushing to his aid he cursed under his breath, “Fucking shit….dammit.”
On the ground he hit the floor with his hand, “Shit!”
Two service men in uniform were at his side quickly, “Are you all right, sir?”
Kieran was angry and lifted his head to look down the hallway but the old man was gone.
The patrons around him asked again, “Sir, are you all right?”
He moved his eyes toward all of them and tried to get control of his anger, “Yes, I am all right. Thank you.”
One of the two uniformed men asked, “Can I assist you somehow?”
Kieran looked over and saw his Quickie over on its side, his seat cushion scattered in the hallway, his backpack halfway off the handles and also the rest of his Latte on the floor, the lid off and the brown liquid running over the floor.
The other of the two men already tended to get the wheelchair set up, put the cushion back on the seat and also adjusted the backpack on the handles again.
Kieran was embarrassed and angry at the whole situation. His hands though trembled and he felt his body charged, his legs were shaking with spasms now and he slowly pulled himself up and held himself on his hands.
His Quickie was pushed over to him and he looked up at the man, “Thank you, I can get it from here.”
“Are you sure sir?”
Kieran’s voice came more tensely than he intended it to be, “Yes, I got it, Thank you.”

                The two serviceman stepped away somewhat but still hovering around. Some of the other onlookers slowly resumed their way toward their original destinations. The easy way would have been to have someone help him up into the Quickie but the pride and the anger he felt prevented him from asking for assistance and as he saw a cleaning staff wipe up his coffee with a mop he pushed his Quickie against the wall, locked his wheels and did his floor to chair transfer by placing his left hand on the frame of the wheelchair and eventually pushing up from the ground with his other hand he managed to get his butt up on the edge of the seat, then using his hands to get situated and pushing his butt all the way onto the seat.

                He was breathing heavy but eventually sat in his wheelchair again. The two servicemen had stuck around obviously waiting to assist if they needed to and when Kieran looked up at them he knew he had sounded angry and he changed his voice, “Thank you so much for helping.”
He lifted his still spastic legs and placed his feet on the foot rest.
The two men looked on encouragingly, “You are welcome. You are not hurt or anything?”
“No, I am fine, thank you.”
At that point Kieran had no idea how his ankle was swelling up and that he had actually sprained it when it got caught in the caster wheel.

                The two men eventually left and he then just sat there for a moment. His legs were twitching and his left foot came off the foot rest again. He placed it back onto the footrest, unlocked his wheels and then spun into the direction of where the old man had disappeared. There was no trace of him anymore. He pondered wheeling into the direction again but the whole ordeal had been bad enough. He apologized to the cleaning lady who was finishing up with his mess and thanked her.
She humbly nodded and in a heavy Spanish accent she said, “Chou are welcome, no problem…I clean coffee quick.”
Kieran thanked her again and when he wheeled away he saw a bathroom on his way and made a stop there. He was glad he had stopped as lots of urine was flowing through his catheter, probably all the coffee he had drank already, almost 24 ounces.
He still thought of the old man again and more and more he feared that he was just a vision of his imagination and it worried him. Seeing things that weren’t really there were not really helping with the issues he dealt with already.

                As he washed his hands over the sink and looked into the mirror he stared at his mirror image for a moment, “What the fuck is going on with you man?”
His legs were still twitching and as his left foot came off the foot rest again he forcefully set it back on.
He didn’t feel the pain that his sprained ankle would have caused him if he wasn’t paralyzed. It was swelling up in his sneaker and Kieran had no idea what was going on with his foot.

                The whole situation had left him tired and with weak pushes he made his way out of the bathroom and out of the hospital toward his car.
He just wanted to get home again. After he had transferred, took the wheels of his Quickie and placed the parts of his wheelchair next to him on the passenger side, he turned the key in the ignition, and revving his engine he pulled out of the parking lot and headed home.

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 9

Kieran finds out that the crash at the hospital left him with an injury. He is still frustrated and questioning everything that is happening and is trying to get his mind off all the strange things that are going on. Another nightly episode awakens a long lost sensation.

Chapter 9

                The kids were not home yet as Kieran wheeled into the house. It was quiet and he was relieved about that. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone at this time and he just needed to get to his room and rest.

In his room he tossed his back pack in its usual corner and then staying seated in his wheelchair he pulled his right leg up and untied the laces of his sneaker, then pulled his shoe off and set his foot back on the foot rest. He did the same with the left leg and as he tried to pull his sneaker off he felt a resistance in the shoe coming off his foot. He loosened the laces some more, surprised that there was a difference between how loose the laces on his right shoe were and how loose he had to pull them on his left shoe. He was watching his foot as he slid it out of the shoe and right away he saw that his ankle in the white sock was swollen. He couldn’t make out his ankle bone and he touched his foot to somehow feel if it was any different. He took off his sock, apparently it had been so tight that it had left some imprints of the material on his skin.
Kieran mumbled to himself, “What the hell?”
He investigated his foot some more but he couldn’t feel anything. His hand felt his foot but his foot didn’t feel his hand.
Worried he set his naked foot down on the foot rest and then pulled the other one up to take off the sock. When he placed his right foot next to the left one on the foot rest he saw the difference and he knew now that something was wrong. His left ankle was swollen and he knew that the accident in the hospital hallway was the cause of this.
Kieran couldn’t feel the pain but he was worried now and hoped his foot wouldn’t be fractured. He was debating if he should call the family clinic to get seen about this.

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 10

Kieran and Erin go on their second date and are getting so much closer.

Chapter 10

Friday was another uneventful day for Kieran as he stayed at home again, not wanting to cause possible further injury to his ankle if he would have gone to the YMCA. He missed his work out session though. Working his muscles and feeling the energy run through the parts of his body he could feel always gave him a feeling of contentment and like some of the bottled up anxieties were released every time. He felt somewhat tense during the day and even though hearing from Erin made him happy and he was looking forward to meeting her again he couldn’t help a distant pain about the things that were happening every night still lingering inside of him.

Trying to be positive though he got in the shower in the afternoon. After the shower he was parked in his closet and picked out a dark button up shirt and a pair of blue jeans for his date. Sitting up on his bed he pulled his boxers and jeans over his legs and eventually transferred back into his wheelchair, then putting on his shirt. The wound on his belly he had acquired a week earlier after the date with Erin was almost healed and he didn’t have a bandage on it anymore. He left the top button of his shirt undone and neatly rolled up the sleeves to his biceps. Carefully he slipped his black Nike sneaker on his left foot. He had to leave his shoe laces all the way undone and pulled out. He did tie the laces on his right shoe and by covering his shoes up with his jeans he was hoping his injured ankle in an untied sneaker wasn’t too obvious.

In the bathroom he looked at himself once more. On his forehead the small laceration of his fall in the bathroom a week earlier was also almost gone and with some strands of his dark bangs he tried to cover it up somewhat. He splashed a few drops of cologne on his skin and with his backpack on his lap he wheeled out to the family room where the family was getting ready to eat dinner.

Kieran had told Erin he would be at her house at seven. He was nervous just like the first time he met her but at least he knew what to expect now.
The kids and Tyler told him to have fun and Fiona walked out into the garage after him.
She smiled, “You look nice again. Where are you guys going to eat tonight?”
“I don’t know yet. I’m going to let her pick a place.”
“Oh good. Are you feeling all right?”
“Yeah, I am good.”
“How is your foot?”
Kieran lifted his jeans up some and Fiona glanced at his untied sneaker, “Just be careful with it.”
He nodded and threw his back pack into the backseat of the Mustang, then pulled his Quickie up to the driver side and transferred over into the seat. He took off the wheels and stashed the wheelchair frame and the two wheels into the backseat.
Fiona stood by and once Kieran was sitting sturdy in his seat he glanced up at his sister, “I don’t know when I’ll be home.”
Fiona smiled, “Don’t worry. I won’t wait up but I also DO NOT want to get a call from the hospital or something.”
Kieran looked away and shook his head, “You won’t.”
“Have fun and be good.”
“Thanks sis…see you later.”

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 11

Kieran and Erin are taking their date further and inside the house an assertive Erin comes across something very exciting pertaining to Kieran's body. What starts out as curiosity and admiration turns into a stronger feeling and it causes things to get very shaky as Kieran wonders what is going on with Erin.

Chapter 11

At Erin’s house Kieran put the car in park but didn’t turn it off.

He looked over to her and she didn’t beat around the bush, “Kieran, I would really like for you to come in for a drink. The girls are not here. They are spending the night at their grandparent’s house.”

Even though Kieran had thought about this he wasn’t all the way ready for it and he hesitated for a moment.
Erin then added, “You don’t have to spend the night. I just don’t want the evening to end yet.”
She put her hand on his hand holding the gear shift.
He looked up at her and she pleaded, “Please Kieran! I have no agenda but just want to hang out a bit longer and have a drink maybe.”
He turned his car off, “Okay, I guess I can come in for a drink.”
Erin smiled, “Thank you.”

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 12

Kieran can't get over how the date with Erin ended and wakes up sick and still devastated. He needs to get away and leaves the house going for a drive and eventually meets the old man again, The meeting turns into a painful situation but gives Kieran an idea what is happening to him.

Chapter 12

Kieran woke up on Saturday around 11 a.m. feeling sick. When he moved his hands under his blanket he realized his bed was moist with sweat. He pushed himself up on his elbows and fell right back on the pillow as his head was throbbing with a migraine. There was no way he could get up at this moment. He did feel under his blanket again and realized not just the moisture of sweat but also the moisture of urine having leaked from his briefs, wetting his boxers and the area around his butt. He had a moisture resistant cover over his mattress and now he was laying in his sweat and urine. He needed to get out of his bed soon before he would actually throw up from the migraine pounding in his head.
He called out for Fiona.
Instead of Fiona, his niece came into his room, “Uncle Kieran, Good Morning.”
She came over to his bed, carefree and cheery but changed her facial expression quickly when she saw Kieran didn’t feel well, “Ash, hey.”
Fiona came into the room, “Hey you two.”
She walked over toward the bed and saw right away Kieran didn’t feel well.
Ashleigh asked, “What is going on Uncle Kieran?”
He spoke lowly, “I don’t know. I think I have a migraine or something.”
Fiona slid her hand under the blanket and pullet it out, “Okay, I have to get you out of your bed. Your sheets are soaked.”

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 13

Kieran is drinking to forget everything that had happened but finds a person who actually listens to him and what has been going on. He is still torn thinking about the proposition but confiding in someone helps him gain some perspective on what he needs to do.

Chapter 13

It wasn’t very busy inside the bar and Kieran knew he couldn’t get up on one of the bar stools so he found a small corner table and wheeled up to it, pushing a chair out of the way in the process.
It didn’t take long and the bartender came up to him, “Good afternoon young man. What can I get for you?”
Kieran looked up into the smiling face of a bearded stocky looking man, “Can I get an Alaskan Amber and a double shot of Jack Daniels.”
“All right, I have that right out for you.”

Kieran sat where he could look across the whole bar and there were only two other guests in the other corner of the dimly lit place. It was still sunny and bright outside but inside the bar there was barely any outside light. The air conditioner was on and music was playing from somewhere.
He pulled his phone out and scanned over it for a moment until the bartender came with the drinks, “Here you go sir.”
Kieran thanked him and told him to start a tab.
The bartender seemed hesitant for a moment but then replied, “Okay, no problem.”

Kieran downed the double shot of Whiskey and shook his head some at the sudden sting in his throat. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be drinking like this but at the moment he didn’t care anymore. He felt clueless and angry still. Everything that had happened to him the last few days was racing around in his mind and he felt like he was losing control of his life. Strange sensations of walking in the middle of the night, the old man appearing in his life and giving him the oddest proposition, Erin telling him she liked him being paraplegic. It was too much to process and he was angry that he was put in a situation where he had to decide to be with a woman he really liked and maybe walking again. It just couldn’t be real and in a way it scared him, but he didn’t know what to do.
He put the beer bottle to his mouth and took a large gulp.